A year after moving away, I returned for a visit to Korean United Methodist Church where I attended for several years. I heard a lot of exciting things about the new pastor and wanted to see some old friends. They were at a retreat in Frederick, Maryland. It was a joint retreat with young adults and college students. It turned out that I knew only a few there. The college students had grown up in the church, so I assumed they had a very grounded relationship with God. But I really did not know them.
The circumstances are vague, but I have this memory of a profound and deeply moving evening during the retreat. I remember darkness, candles, sitting together – almost like a campfire scene. These young people were asked to recommit themselves and renew their covenant with God. There were many who broke down in tears. It was such a raw moment. I am used to young people who guard their feelings by being casual and superficial. But not tonight. Perhaps it was the fact that they had grown up with each other and had this close connection to each other that they felt free to share what was in their hearts and provide mutual support to experience God more deeply.
I had spent the last year in Belgium attending a Pentecostal Assemblies of God church, so I was familiar with people openly expressing their deep emotions in public. Coming from a more staid Methodist tradition, I was in retrospect probably more of a foreigner observing from a religious distance. So I think it hit me harder seeing these young Methodists at the retreat giving their whole selves to God – emotionally as well as spiritually. Their relationship was so real and so concrete. I thought as an elder in the group that I would be a model to them. But here I was experiencing through them. Jesus was not some distant historical figure; rather He was here touching them in a very personal way.
That was one of a few turning points that showed me a relationship with Christ is not just a matter of believing in something. It is feeling something. It is hard to explain, but these days I often find myself sitting in a pew, centering on God as I pray, listening to the music, or hear someone sharing their faith, and my eyes will tear up as I recommit my whole self. These are not tears of sadness, and I am not even sure they are tears of joy. It is this feeling of being in the presence of so much love that I cannot fathom. It is the realization of the awesomeness of God – that I am nothing and yet everything in God’s eye. It is a realization of sin and brokenness, the warmth of forgiveness and grace, and the wonder of dreams and hope. Perhaps you feel that too. I hope so.